Déjà vu

Tonight was a bit of Déjà vu for many reasons. 

I went to the hospital tonight.  It was a year to the date when I went to the hospital for my nervous breakdown.  Luckily tonight, it wasn't for that reason.  Instead it was because I sprained my ankle badly while Irish Dancing at a pub.  No I was not drinking. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have sprained it so badly.  Luckily, there was a medic, Chris, at the pub who helped me and there was another woman there, Beth, who let me hold her hand; they both stayed by my side until I was able to get transportation to the hospital.  I was very grateful for my new friend Yev, who I had just met the other night at an Irish Dancing gig.  He drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until I was ready to leave; and he then drove me home and helped me get to my place! 

Last time I sprained my ankle (same ankle unfortunately), I had just moved to Colorado.  Here I was now and I just moved to San Francisco.  What took me less than a week to sprain in Colorado, took me a month to sprain in San Francisco.  So I’m now aware of the care that is needed to help this foot heal and I will not push it.  Unfortunately, it’s going to be bit of a long road.  I have to rest for 3 days and I’m to use the crutches for 2 weeks.  (And I’m supposed to work this week, which requires a lot of walking).  Then it will take anywhere from 2-6 months to heal. So, there will be no dancing, no bike riding, and no going to the gym for me for a long time. I have to be even more careful in the future because it’s more likely to sprain more, especially since it has already been sprained twice.

It was an interesting day today as I was reflecting back on my past year,,,even prior to all of this happening.  Although I do have to say it was an awful year and I was at my darkest, I also have to say that I am grateful for this year…including what happened tonight.  It’s been a tremendous learning curve for me and for that I am grateful.  I feel stronger, but most importantly I feel happy...I am happy.

I’m happy for many reasons, but the number one reason is because I’m learning about myself and the beauty I possess.  I’m learning more about my purpose and I’m surrounding myself with very positive people in my life.  I feel as though I’m moving forward rather than falling behind.  I'm cutting out the crap and keeping quality.  

  I enjoy being here in San Francisco and I especially love being alone.  Although I’m an extrovert, I do appreciate being an introvert at the same time.  I like having my own space.   Although you would think I’d be terrible lonely not knowing anyone in the city, I do have to say, I actually feel wonderful.  Sure loneliness will creep in, but it’s very rare and it’s not too long before I give myself a pep talk and I’m out of that mindset.  I like it because there are no expectations here for me to be someone I’m not. I can just be myself and I’m learning to be okay with all of that.  I like it here because there is opportunity for me here.  There is opportunity for me to be whoever I want to be and do whatever I want to...of course within reason.  I like it here because I feel free.  I like it here because the weather is so tolerable.  Overall, I like it here because it provides me a different outlook on life.  

Thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day! 

The night with the homeless.

Tonight I tried slackline yoga.  There was a free class so I attended and it was great fun.   It was located at a store called Sports Basement and it holds a few free classes during certain days in the first week of the month.  It was a great workout.

When I finished class, I found out my phone completely died.  I thought I knew how to get back to my apartment, but I was wrong.  I got caught up in shopping at Goodwill. Fret not, I was focused.  I was not in there to buy clothes (which has been a problem of mine because I'm a clothes hoarder).  I bought myself a movie called Namesake. I'm not sure if it's good or not...but it seems interesting. I'll let you know how it is in another blog.  I also bought a hotplate. My friend doesn't have a kitchen in his apartment.  He has a toaster oven, but I wanted to make some pancakes and other things for myself, so for 6.49 I bought it.  And it works! Yay!  The whole shopping experience was a little difficult b/c I was drawn to wanting to look at the clothes and all the other things that would only create clutter..so I had to remind myself...focus, focus focus.  So in any case, when I was done shopping, I left the store and headed off in what I thought was the right direction, until something was like...errr you better ask someone.   Luckily, I saw a guy skateboarding and asked him for directions.  He was from Europe I could tell…possibly Ireland, but who knows.  He was very kind and pointed me to the right direction.  As I was walking, I noticed across the street somebody garbage digging and I was curious as to why people do it.  Was it to collect bottles? Was it to find food? I was confused because I know this city provides a lot of food services for the homeless. I also questioned why people are homeless.  I continued walking, and about ½ mile later, I passed another man garbage picking.  I couldn't resist myself to see what he was looking for.  As I had mentioned in my last post, my friend advised me not to ever contact with the homeless. I also had that other experience as mentioned in the last post, But I couldn't resist.  And this time..I feel as though it wasn't them coming to me, it was me going to them.  So I went up to him and asked him.  “Sir, what are you looking for?”  His response was "food."  My heart broke, but I had nothing to offer, I had no food on me.  So I apologized to him for not being able to help him and walked away.  However, something in me just called me to go back and offer to buy him food. I only had $8.00 cash in my pocket, but I couldn't bare knowing this man was hungry. So I walked back to him and asked him if I could buy him food and what was the closest place to eat.  He said Burger King and we walked.  We walked for awhile…Burger king was quite far, but it was a nice walk. So here I was with a man, possibly in his late 40’s/early 50’s, walking beside him and he carried multiple bags and a suitcase with him.  I offered to help him carry some bags, but he refused.   While walking we of course had a conversation.  He asked where I was from and I told him NJ, in which his response was “me too.” During this moment, I was thinking yeah right.  He’s probably just playing along.  However, the more we talked, the more I realized he was really from NJ.  I asked him to tell me his story.  I wanted to know all about his childhood and what brought him here and how he became homeless.  To my surprise, it wasn't drugs or alcohol.  'It was just meant to be.'   (I say to my surprise b/c I’ve become so judgmental of homeless and thought a lot of them were homeless due to drugs and all, which I know is ignorant, but I base things on what I see and hear. I was also surprised at his response.  He wasn't bitter, he wasn't filled with hatred.  He was filled with contentment and accepted the fact..well I'm homeless now )  He moved away from home when he was 16 due to an abusive upbringing.  He had a car and drove cross country to San Francisco.  He adopted 3 children and worked 3 jobs to support them.  Life went downward for him.  He ended losing one job due to downsizing.  He ended up caring for people too much and being screwed over by them.     I asked him if he was receiving government aid and he said no. I was shocked.  “Why don’t you receive aid”  His response was an eye opener and brought truth.  “Because it makes people lazy”.   I do have to agree with that statement.  I asked about his children and if they were aware if he was homeless and if he stays in contact with them.  He said he did and that he didn't want his children worried about him.  He said that he should be taking care of them, not the other way around. I could tell he was a bit prideful.  

 We made our way to Burger King and I ordered what he wanted…a strawberry milkshake and the #5.  I then later got him a large pepsi and used my last change.  I was short, but the cashier said it was alright.  I couldn't believe how hungry he was, he told me he hadn't eaten a real meal in 3 days. I asked him why he doesn't go to the free food banks and he said that he wants to make sure that other people get served food.  

I also asked him why he sleeps on the streets and not in the shelter.  He told me that it was dangerous in the shelter and there were bed bugs.  He said believe it or not, it's safer in the street..much safer.   

It was a beautiful night.  I told him he was carrying too much stuff and he needed to downsize.  So we went to his spot where I found he had even more stuff.  “What do you carry around with you?” I asked.  “Clothes, stuff, it’s complicated.”  I told him he needed to downsize and get rid of things he didn't need.  So for about 3 hours we organized and dumped the items he didn’t need, while cops kept coming by.   I think it was due to the fact that there was some sort of gun shots or something..maybe fireworks that went off a few blocks away.  Don't be scared.  I was safe and it was good.   One cop stopped and told us they got calls that we were being loud.  I think it was because of me and my laughter.  I was just having a great time and enjoying myself and Jimmy was quite the character.  As I'm sure he is thinking the same about me. 

Overall, it was just a beautiful night.  I got to get a glimpse of what it was like to be homeless.  I got a glimpse of people coming up to us asking for crystal, speed, weed, alcohol, heroin.   Luckily Jimmy, was not into drugs and was never a drug addict.  I have to say he inspired me.  He has a heart of gold.  His story is one of many homeless out there.  It's inspired me to want to do more work for the homeless.   He gave me his beautiful Northface jacket to keep me warm.  I used to be so judgmental when I saw homeless people wearing such nice brandnames.  But I learned throughout all my experience here..today and being on medicaid and government help not to judge.   He gave me his phone number to stay in contact.  He received the phone from a kid (21 yr old that he's taken under his wing who was homeless, but now receives SSI benefits that I met tonight as well).  He is so protective of the kid..and I asked him why.  His response was I've seen too many people die and I love him.  Thank you Jimmy for being a beautiful soul! God Bless. May you be happy, be well, be free of suffering and pain; may you be filled with joy.  

I'm grateful.

Thank you for reading! 

The San Francisco Chapter: New beginnings.

I arrived to San Francisco a little over a week ago...Thanksgiving day to be exact.  My friend living here left Wednesday morning and has gone to Thailand for about 11 weeks and needed someone to take care of his cat while he is gone exploring the world.   The  6 days I got to spend with him were amazing.   He showed me all of his favorite spots in the city.
He's taught me a few good lessons since I've been here.

Lesson #1: Get out as much as you can to places you find magical.

I got to experience the beautiful, magical Marine Highlands and a few other parks around here.   Because he rents a studio apartment with no kitchen...just the bed, closet, and bathroom, he decided to make up different names for bars and restaurants he goes near where he lives.  He has a restaurant/bar he calls the living room, one he calls the study, another one he calls the coat closet..etc.

Lesson #2. Don't talk to homeless people here.
 Now despite him teaching me this lesson, I relearned it the other day after he set off to his adventure in Thailand.  While I was waiting at a bus stop, a homeless woman (possibly drugged up on Meth) came up to me.  She apologized for bothering me. I stood there staring down at my phone while she continued stating how her purse got stolen etc. etc., in which case I looked up and noticed she had a beautiful purse hidden behind a black plastic bag she was holding.  When I confronted her and told her that her purse was right there..she started screaming at me telling me it was a different purse etc.  In which case, I removed myself as quickly as I could from that situation.



Lesson #3: Always look at the ground.  There could be poop...animal or human.
Great lesson.  The one time I was walking with him, I wasn't paying attention to what was on the ground in front of me and felt myself step on something. Luckily it was just a rolled up sock, but I quickly remembered to always look down and I'm grateful I do, because there were many close encounters.


Lesson #4: close caps
I never realized that I had a problem closing lids, but I do.  I think there is a lot of symbolism behind this.  It could be the fact that I don't like things to be confined...or it could just be an awful habit that I'm now trying to overcome.

Lesson #5: Keep room neat
Since my friend has been gone, which is only 2.5 days, I've been doing my best to keep the area neat and tidy.  It's amazing what a difference it makes when your area is clean and free of clutter.  Although it's been hard work doing so, I'm hoping in no time it will be second nature and that I can be free from chaos...or at least external chaos.

Lesson #6:  Just be..just live.
In the short few days we hung out, my friend reminded me to appreciate being me and to not feel the need  to be like someone else etc.  I think for the longest time I've just wanted to be someone else and not accept who I am.  For the longest time, I just never saw the true beauty I possessed. I knew there were people smarter, prettier, sexier, etc than me and I wanted to be those people.  I couldn't learn to accept the fact that I couldn't be them...I couldn't just say that you know what..I'm not them and it's okay.   I'm grateful for the friends I have because they all remind me of this.  I'm grateful for the fact that I have true, beautiful people in my life that cherish me, want to help me grow, want to see me happy and want to be around me because I am me.



I think living here in San Francisco is helping me to learn to accept myself a lot.  I notice that people don't judge here.  Everybody just seem to be in their own world and I like that.  I don't feel out of place like I did back home in NJ.   There is a lot of uniqueness here and a lot of beauty as well as a lot of misery.  However, I'm teaching myself and practicing everyday to find the beauty here.  There are the very wealthy and there are the very poor. It's just nice to see a different perspective of life..especially being around the homeless people here.  I have never in my life seen so many homeless.  The sad part about it, is that a majority of them that I see are all doped up on something and some make it known.  I saw a man the other day making some mixture of some sort to inject into him.  All in all, I'm just grateful for this opportunity to be here. I'm grateful to be in a warm climate and away from the miserable winters I've endured for the last 30 years of my life.  So here here to new beginnings..to a new chapter in my life.  And here here to lessons that I continue to learn each and every day.

Thank you for reading! .