The Cougar House

I've worked many jobs in my life and I have to say my favorite jobs were working with my disabled women,  my senior ladies, with cancer patients, and teaching Irish dancing. I couldn't even call them jobs because they really weren't if you know what I mean. They were really, my life.   These jobs provided me with such great meaning, purpose and brought so much joy into my life.  Sure there were bad days, but I recall there being so many more good days than bad.  That's more than I can say now.  You would think if I had jobs such as this, that I would have stayed with them.  I guess you can say, I got burnt out.  But going deeper, I realized it was because I never thought I was doing all I could do while also thinking that I wasn't good enough doing what I did do,which expedited the burn out.  (I know that probably made no sense whatsoever).  I thought I could be better, help more people, do more, be more.  I thought I wasn't doing enough and really, I wasn't enough.   I thought that there was more I could do with the people I was working with, while at the same time thinking there were more people that needed my saving..or so I thought.  So, in reality it wasn't really the jobs that burnt me out...it was me and my delusional/distorted thinking of saving the world and all of the people in it.  But really, it wasn't others that needed saving...it was me.  It was my inability to appreciate those I was already helping who in return were helping me.  I wasn't appreciative of what I had..I rarely am.  I'm not appreciative of me. :( 

I remember the job I had working and living with my disabled women.  I was already doing a side job working with my senior ladies, but I needed a more full time steady job on top of that.   I was going through my divorce and my ex husband wanted me out by February.  We started filing in December. It was tough staying the last two months there, but I really had no other choice. Well okay..maybe that's not true..because we always have a choice.  I feel as though my options were either that or be homeless.   I was lucky enough for him to allow me to stay, even though it felt like torture. I felt as though I had nothing. Although I would have had some family support, I know I was a disappointment and I just couldn't move back to NJ.  I would rather have been homeless than move back to NJ.  I thought that I would then be a total failure...I just couldn't do it. I knew what I experienced early this year would have been far worse had I moved back...I think, honestly, I would be dead... no question about it.

At that point in my life, I didn't want to break...I wasn't ready to.  I had determination and hope that things would work out. I had faith.  I remember desperately looking for a job and praying that something would come along. I swallowed my pride, I even applied for McDonald's to flip burgers (as well as at least 75 other jobs).  McDonald's never called. Actually, none of the 75 jobs called, except for one. And this job that called was working with my disabled ladies..working at what was called the Cougar House.

I remember writing in my journal, the ideal job I would like.  Basically what I wrote was: something with meaning.  Someplace where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Someplace that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom. And this job was it...the job of taking care of Linda and Marianne. 

My greatest memory of working with them is when I would curl Linda's and Marianne's hair and apply makeup to Linda.  Marianne did her own and was a naturally talented makeup artist.

   Linda was the Cougar leader and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and was moderately intellectually disabled.  She was an orphan at 12 years old and placed into institutions.  She suffered an accident over 30 years ago in one of the institutions she was placed in. She was left unattended while taking a shower, had a seizure and injured her spine.  Since then she has been confined to a wheelchair.  Despite her difficulties, she owns a house.  The executive director worked and fought for Linda for over the 20 years she worked there; she fought hard so that Linda would be able to use the money she won from her incident. (The worse part about this was that the executive director was let go when she wanted to step down and work part time...but that's a whole different story..too long for this blog.  The company went from heaven when I first started and then turned to hell).

 In the beginning  Linda was a tough case to work with.  She was feisty and rightfully so.  With all the abuse she was put through, especially in the institutions, she had a guard made of steel.  It took quite some time for Linda to feel safe and comfortable enough to let me in.  It took a few months of being patient with her and tolerating her saying to me "Fuck you," "Leave me alone," and flailing around as I tried to help her.  However, once that trust was earned, it was a beautiful relationship.  Of course there were plenty of moments I was told to fuck off and leave her alone, but it was a great improvement from when I first started with...she definitely put me through the ringer, but I appreciated her for that.  She made me work and she made me work hard.   

 Overall, it was a beautiful thing to experience when someone so timid opens up.  It gave me such great pleasure to help her out of her darkness and see light.  I use to always tell her "Get the devil out of you and get the angels in you." Something in which of course I need to tell myself.   One thing I really miss about Linda is doing her hair and makeup and seeing her face light up.   She would spend countless time observing and smiling and laughing at herself in the mirror.  Being able to bring such joy like that to someone made life to me, worth living.

Marianne was the other disabled woman I worked with who was more mobile and more independent.  She was diagnosed with so called "moderate intellectual abilities, schizophrenia", and a few other diagnosis.  It surprised me that Autism was not one of her diagnosis. I have read, however, that autism is usually misdiagnosed as schizophrenia and bipolar. But besides the point...diagnosis are really just bullshit so it doesn't really matter.

 Marianne is one of the most intelligent people I know. She remembers dates and days like no other. She was a great personal calendar to have. When I'd ask her what day Jan 1 1957 landed on..within seconds, she'd say "let's see..um, um, Jan 1 1957..um, um. Tuesday."    I'd tell her to remember my mom's and friend's birthdays and sure enough when the birthdays were coming up, she'd count down the days til it. It was hard for me to forget anybody's birthday.  Birthdays were her favorite things to ask new people she met.. and the most amazing thing about it all, is that she would remember them for life. 

 In my eyes, these women were not "disabled."  If anything I was the 'disabled' one.  Although I worked to take care of them, they were really the ones taking care of me.  They gave me life, they gave me joy.  They were the greatest teachers and life coaches of all time.  I truly and sincerely miss this job the most.  I hope another opportunity like this will present itself.  One thing I would change about his job is the live in part.  There were plenty of sleepless nights I had comforting Linda as she cried.  It was difficult to experience seeing her in such pain, emotional pain.  I feel as though she cried for me too at times.

So, when it comes to the job I want now. I'd say I want something like what I had with Linda and Marianne.   I'd say that I want something with meaning.  Someplace warm, with no winters. Something where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Something that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom, as well as help others blossom and grow.   Something where I can make a difference and make a mark on people's hearts.

Thank you for reading!


P.S. Linda and Marianne..if you read this know that I love you and miss you. 

Stars

The past few days have been a bit rough, which is why I haven't posted on here.

I posted poems I wrote yesterday on my other blog.  I figured anything dark and deep will be put in that blog, since after all, this blog is meant to be positive and help me see light.

I feel as though I started feeling a bit better last night.  I exercised, did some self care by taking a bath, and talked with a friend who helped lift my spirits.

Earlier today, I received two emails regarding job opportunities from care.com.  I've been applying to numerous places and nobody has contacted me, despite my attempts to follow-up.  So, receiving those emails helped boost some form of self confidence. I know I should not be basing my self worth on jobs and such, but when you feel like your life is at a standstill and you need a job to survive, it's hard not to base your self worth on them.  Right now, my sanity is dependent on it.  After all, jobs help give a sense of purpose and overall, is a great distraction from becoming idle. Having a job will also allow me to hang out with friends/be around people more since I will be able to afford to do so.

In program today, I requested to be switched from the emotional eating track to a different track.  Although I found this track to be helpful, I feel as though my eating is not really affected by my emotional state...it's deeper.  My eating habits are affected by my lack of self care, which is caused by lack of self love and compassion.  So the track I hope to switch to is...you guessed it...self compassion.

I was happy today to be given the opportunity to participate in art therapy.  It's been over 2 weeks since I've done an art therapy class.  I started doing art on my own, however, it's not the same. I wrote a post about art therapy in my other blog.

 So today's quote we were given was:
"It's funny how, when things seem darkest, moments of beauty present themselves in the most unexpected places."~Moning

This is the artwork I made that was inspired by this quote:
 

Although at first, I was attempting to replicate the northern lights, it wasn't working out too well, so I made a different celestial piece of art.   (I was hesitant on using glitter; I remember being told by a professor in college that "anything with glitter is not art."  I think using glitter was a way for me to say FU to the professor). 

One of the things I love most are stars.  When I lived in Colorado, the night sky was so magnificent.  Any time night came, I would just be so grateful for having the opportunity to experience the balls of gas. I loved just staring up at the sky. There were numerous times where I would just take my sleeping bag and fall asleep staring up at them.  There is something about them that just connects me to "home." 

And...in order to be able to appreciate these stars, there must be darkness. 

I didn't really think about what I just stated much until today.  When I think of my own darkness, I put blinders on all the beautiful things around.  

I just hope this is a reminder for me to seek out the stars.  Of course there are going to be days when the clouds block them out, but they are still there...just hidden. 


Thank you for reading!

New Beginnings

I decided to create this new blog as a way to have more positivity in my life. 
I feel as though my blog, Diary of a Mind Gone Insane, was a great way to help me get through these last few months of pure madness; however, keeping such a name while trying to improve, isn't really helpful.  Therefore, I made this blog titled: "Turning toward the light" because I no longer want to be insane. I've been there, done that, and it's time for me to move on.

My hope for this new blog is to attempt to keep things positive and not fall back on my negativity.  I feel as though I'm at a crossroad right now.  I can go down the same spiraling path or turn towards the path of light.  I'm choosing the path of light. It's time for me to shake the devil off of my back.