The Cougar House

I've worked many jobs in my life and I have to say my favorite jobs were working with my disabled women,  my senior ladies, with cancer patients, and teaching Irish dancing. I couldn't even call them jobs because they really weren't if you know what I mean. They were really, my life.   These jobs provided me with such great meaning, purpose and brought so much joy into my life.  Sure there were bad days, but I recall there being so many more good days than bad.  That's more than I can say now.  You would think if I had jobs such as this, that I would have stayed with them.  I guess you can say, I got burnt out.  But going deeper, I realized it was because I never thought I was doing all I could do while also thinking that I wasn't good enough doing what I did do,which expedited the burn out.  (I know that probably made no sense whatsoever).  I thought I could be better, help more people, do more, be more.  I thought I wasn't doing enough and really, I wasn't enough.   I thought that there was more I could do with the people I was working with, while at the same time thinking there were more people that needed my saving..or so I thought.  So, in reality it wasn't really the jobs that burnt me out...it was me and my delusional/distorted thinking of saving the world and all of the people in it.  But really, it wasn't others that needed saving...it was me.  It was my inability to appreciate those I was already helping who in return were helping me.  I wasn't appreciative of what I had..I rarely am.  I'm not appreciative of me. :( 

I remember the job I had working and living with my disabled women.  I was already doing a side job working with my senior ladies, but I needed a more full time steady job on top of that.   I was going through my divorce and my ex husband wanted me out by February.  We started filing in December. It was tough staying the last two months there, but I really had no other choice. Well okay..maybe that's not true..because we always have a choice.  I feel as though my options were either that or be homeless.   I was lucky enough for him to allow me to stay, even though it felt like torture. I felt as though I had nothing. Although I would have had some family support, I know I was a disappointment and I just couldn't move back to NJ.  I would rather have been homeless than move back to NJ.  I thought that I would then be a total failure...I just couldn't do it. I knew what I experienced early this year would have been far worse had I moved back...I think, honestly, I would be dead... no question about it.

At that point in my life, I didn't want to break...I wasn't ready to.  I had determination and hope that things would work out. I had faith.  I remember desperately looking for a job and praying that something would come along. I swallowed my pride, I even applied for McDonald's to flip burgers (as well as at least 75 other jobs).  McDonald's never called. Actually, none of the 75 jobs called, except for one. And this job that called was working with my disabled ladies..working at what was called the Cougar House.

I remember writing in my journal, the ideal job I would like.  Basically what I wrote was: something with meaning.  Someplace where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Someplace that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom. And this job was it...the job of taking care of Linda and Marianne. 

My greatest memory of working with them is when I would curl Linda's and Marianne's hair and apply makeup to Linda.  Marianne did her own and was a naturally talented makeup artist.

   Linda was the Cougar leader and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and was moderately intellectually disabled.  She was an orphan at 12 years old and placed into institutions.  She suffered an accident over 30 years ago in one of the institutions she was placed in. She was left unattended while taking a shower, had a seizure and injured her spine.  Since then she has been confined to a wheelchair.  Despite her difficulties, she owns a house.  The executive director worked and fought for Linda for over the 20 years she worked there; she fought hard so that Linda would be able to use the money she won from her incident. (The worse part about this was that the executive director was let go when she wanted to step down and work part time...but that's a whole different story..too long for this blog.  The company went from heaven when I first started and then turned to hell).

 In the beginning  Linda was a tough case to work with.  She was feisty and rightfully so.  With all the abuse she was put through, especially in the institutions, she had a guard made of steel.  It took quite some time for Linda to feel safe and comfortable enough to let me in.  It took a few months of being patient with her and tolerating her saying to me "Fuck you," "Leave me alone," and flailing around as I tried to help her.  However, once that trust was earned, it was a beautiful relationship.  Of course there were plenty of moments I was told to fuck off and leave her alone, but it was a great improvement from when I first started with...she definitely put me through the ringer, but I appreciated her for that.  She made me work and she made me work hard.   

 Overall, it was a beautiful thing to experience when someone so timid opens up.  It gave me such great pleasure to help her out of her darkness and see light.  I use to always tell her "Get the devil out of you and get the angels in you." Something in which of course I need to tell myself.   One thing I really miss about Linda is doing her hair and makeup and seeing her face light up.   She would spend countless time observing and smiling and laughing at herself in the mirror.  Being able to bring such joy like that to someone made life to me, worth living.

Marianne was the other disabled woman I worked with who was more mobile and more independent.  She was diagnosed with so called "moderate intellectual abilities, schizophrenia", and a few other diagnosis.  It surprised me that Autism was not one of her diagnosis. I have read, however, that autism is usually misdiagnosed as schizophrenia and bipolar. But besides the point...diagnosis are really just bullshit so it doesn't really matter.

 Marianne is one of the most intelligent people I know. She remembers dates and days like no other. She was a great personal calendar to have. When I'd ask her what day Jan 1 1957 landed on..within seconds, she'd say "let's see..um, um, Jan 1 1957..um, um. Tuesday."    I'd tell her to remember my mom's and friend's birthdays and sure enough when the birthdays were coming up, she'd count down the days til it. It was hard for me to forget anybody's birthday.  Birthdays were her favorite things to ask new people she met.. and the most amazing thing about it all, is that she would remember them for life. 

 In my eyes, these women were not "disabled."  If anything I was the 'disabled' one.  Although I worked to take care of them, they were really the ones taking care of me.  They gave me life, they gave me joy.  They were the greatest teachers and life coaches of all time.  I truly and sincerely miss this job the most.  I hope another opportunity like this will present itself.  One thing I would change about his job is the live in part.  There were plenty of sleepless nights I had comforting Linda as she cried.  It was difficult to experience seeing her in such pain, emotional pain.  I feel as though she cried for me too at times.

So, when it comes to the job I want now. I'd say I want something like what I had with Linda and Marianne.   I'd say that I want something with meaning.  Someplace warm, with no winters. Something where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Something that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom, as well as help others blossom and grow.   Something where I can make a difference and make a mark on people's hearts.

Thank you for reading!


P.S. Linda and Marianne..if you read this know that I love you and miss you.