Happyness

It's a great feeling being happy.

I feel free.

I feel content.

The other day I was looking at my other blog... Diary of a Mind gone insane.  I have come a long way. I couldn't have done it without your support. Without the support of my friends, family, complete strangers who kept me in their hearts and prayers. 

I've learned to be so grateful for everyone in my life and on this planet and it's a beautiful feeling.  It brings tears to my eyes.  These tears are of joy and sadness.  Sadness because I've taken so much for granted.  I had extreme tunnel vision for a long time.  I saw myself as a burden to everyone.  I couldn't see what light I shed on others.  I couldn't see how I touched others. I couldn't see how beautiful, smart, and strong I really am. I based my life around superficiality.  I based my intelligence on my GRE and SAT score as well as my G.P.A. I based my beauty on comparing myself with others.. I basically based my life around comparing myself to others. If I was asked to give one advice and one advice only.  My advice would be DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYTHING OR ANYONE...NOT EVEN YOUR PAST SELF. 

While walking with my elderly lady who has Alzheimer's, we sang Amazing Grace.  It was beautiful because the words hit home.  I once was lost, but now am found.  Was blind, but now I see.

I see so much now.  I see God in my life.  I see God everywhere.  I've learned to have faith.  I've learned to see the light.  I am grateful.

I'm so happy to be here in California.  The weather is beautiful.  I was miserable in the cold.  Completely miserable.

There is life here.  There are trees with leaves, flowers blossoming.  Roses, Irises, Lettuce are alive!

I'm ALIVE!

It's as if I'm in Heaven.

 I'm in heaven.  I'm in heaven.


Thank you for reading. 



 

Happy Belated New Years

Well I meant to write this post new year's eve, but never got around to it (as you can see).
I'd have to say that this is one of the best new year's I had in quite some time.  You see, instead of celebrating New Year's in a psych ward like I did last year, I celebrated it while cat sitting in a beautiful apartment.  I looked at last year's new years as the beginning of destruction.  As most of you know, last year was quite the challenge.  For this year, I determined it to be a year of healing. After all, I did sprain my ankle a few days before and it's been in the healing process.

My very good friend, Neeti, has been a great inspiration in my life.  I call her my "Guru." because that's exactly what she is.  She helps guide me and ground me tremendously.  While talking to her about New Years, she mentioned to me how she doesn't like the word resolution and instead prefers the word goals.
 I couldn't agree more.
She gave me homework to do by New Year's Day at 12:00am sharp...and that was to come up with 5 things that I want happening in 2015 that would make it the best year yet.

So while cat sitting with the cat who did not like me at all, I sat there and thought to myself.  What do I want?



And I came up with the list:

Backpacking adventure around Europe with Bridget
Find silver lining in every situation
Get more certifications in the healing arts
Find true love with myself
Gain teaching abroad certificate
Become financially, mentally, physically, spiritually stable
Spread love and peace to those I am in contact with.

As you can see, I'm not good at following directions.

So I called Neeti all excited about my "5 resolutions." She was not so impressed "I said five, not 20...and secondly, you need to go more in to detail.  What kind of certifications do you want? How are you going to achieve becoming financially, mentally, spiritually, physically stable."

My response was "Well, I want to become certified in Reiki III, I want to learn Reflexology, Massage, Tai Chi..." and then I was cut off.

"Hold on...you are to choose one specific one because it's obviously not realistic to do all of that in a year" she said as matter-of-factly.

"Aww man,"  I pouted. "Why can't I be superwoman."

"I'm not even going to go there. You need to focus on things that are really realistic.  What can you afford to do, etc.  So, you need to go back and CHOOSE 5 and be more focused on what you really want happening to make 2015 the best year yet!"

"Oh the practical ones," I thought, "why do they have to always be right and be so...REALSTIC?? "



So here I am, 13 days later...still trying to come up with what will make 2015 the best year yet.
So I looked back at a journal entry I had written last year, I'm not really sure of the date, but it was sometime possibly around June/July...but who knows.  In any case this is what I wrote:

1) Live near a beach, in a friendly, healing, atmosphere,

2) Find a job that uses the gifts I have been graciously given that connects me to my soul and connects to others and allows me to be financially stable.

3) Heal

4) Have and show gratitude

5) Live simply


So...I think those are my 5 goals that I want happening to make this year the best one yet.

As to how I'm going to accomplish them, I'm not sure. I've come to believe that is now all up to the universe to help provide me what I need. I have faith, the most important thing to have, as well as heart! I do know I'll accomplish healing by giving myself self care.  Hurting my ankle has taught me to slow down and to take time out for self care.  I need to rush less and bathe more.

As I speak, #1 is becoming reality for me.  I will be moving to Aptos, near Santa Cruz, at the end of the month when my friend comes back from Thailand.  I'll be living in a little cottage- a shed converted into a small bedroom next to a house.  The house holds the kitchen and bathroom, the shed holds my bedroom. So it will be my little sanctuary.  I'm kind of glad it's a small space..b/c that means I don't have much space to throw clothes around in. The backyard also has a fire pit and a jacuzzi.  And did I mention the beach is less than 3 blocks away?  Yay to goal #1 already being checked off.
Now to find a job that lists everything I listed.  Wish me luck!


So here's to a great New Year.  I know it's going to be a wonderful year because 5 is my lucky number and secondly, I deserve it to be a wonderful year!

Peace, love, happiness, joy, wealth and GREAT HEALTH each and everyday to all!

Thank you for reading!

Déjà vu

Tonight was a bit of Déjà vu for many reasons. 

I went to the hospital tonight.  It was a year to the date when I went to the hospital for my nervous breakdown.  Luckily tonight, it wasn't for that reason.  Instead it was because I sprained my ankle badly while Irish Dancing at a pub.  No I was not drinking. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have sprained it so badly.  Luckily, there was a medic, Chris, at the pub who helped me and there was another woman there, Beth, who let me hold her hand; they both stayed by my side until I was able to get transportation to the hospital.  I was very grateful for my new friend Yev, who I had just met the other night at an Irish Dancing gig.  He drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until I was ready to leave; and he then drove me home and helped me get to my place! 

Last time I sprained my ankle (same ankle unfortunately), I had just moved to Colorado.  Here I was now and I just moved to San Francisco.  What took me less than a week to sprain in Colorado, took me a month to sprain in San Francisco.  So I’m now aware of the care that is needed to help this foot heal and I will not push it.  Unfortunately, it’s going to be bit of a long road.  I have to rest for 3 days and I’m to use the crutches for 2 weeks.  (And I’m supposed to work this week, which requires a lot of walking).  Then it will take anywhere from 2-6 months to heal. So, there will be no dancing, no bike riding, and no going to the gym for me for a long time. I have to be even more careful in the future because it’s more likely to sprain more, especially since it has already been sprained twice.

It was an interesting day today as I was reflecting back on my past year,,,even prior to all of this happening.  Although I do have to say it was an awful year and I was at my darkest, I also have to say that I am grateful for this year…including what happened tonight.  It’s been a tremendous learning curve for me and for that I am grateful.  I feel stronger, but most importantly I feel happy...I am happy.

I’m happy for many reasons, but the number one reason is because I’m learning about myself and the beauty I possess.  I’m learning more about my purpose and I’m surrounding myself with very positive people in my life.  I feel as though I’m moving forward rather than falling behind.  I'm cutting out the crap and keeping quality.  

  I enjoy being here in San Francisco and I especially love being alone.  Although I’m an extrovert, I do appreciate being an introvert at the same time.  I like having my own space.   Although you would think I’d be terrible lonely not knowing anyone in the city, I do have to say, I actually feel wonderful.  Sure loneliness will creep in, but it’s very rare and it’s not too long before I give myself a pep talk and I’m out of that mindset.  I like it because there are no expectations here for me to be someone I’m not. I can just be myself and I’m learning to be okay with all of that.  I like it here because there is opportunity for me here.  There is opportunity for me to be whoever I want to be and do whatever I want to...of course within reason.  I like it here because I feel free.  I like it here because the weather is so tolerable.  Overall, I like it here because it provides me a different outlook on life.  

Thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day! 

The night with the homeless.

Tonight I tried slackline yoga.  There was a free class so I attended and it was great fun.   It was located at a store called Sports Basement and it holds a few free classes during certain days in the first week of the month.  It was a great workout.

When I finished class, I found out my phone completely died.  I thought I knew how to get back to my apartment, but I was wrong.  I got caught up in shopping at Goodwill. Fret not, I was focused.  I was not in there to buy clothes (which has been a problem of mine because I'm a clothes hoarder).  I bought myself a movie called Namesake. I'm not sure if it's good or not...but it seems interesting. I'll let you know how it is in another blog.  I also bought a hotplate. My friend doesn't have a kitchen in his apartment.  He has a toaster oven, but I wanted to make some pancakes and other things for myself, so for 6.49 I bought it.  And it works! Yay!  The whole shopping experience was a little difficult b/c I was drawn to wanting to look at the clothes and all the other things that would only create clutter..so I had to remind myself...focus, focus focus.  So in any case, when I was done shopping, I left the store and headed off in what I thought was the right direction, until something was like...errr you better ask someone.   Luckily, I saw a guy skateboarding and asked him for directions.  He was from Europe I could tell…possibly Ireland, but who knows.  He was very kind and pointed me to the right direction.  As I was walking, I noticed across the street somebody garbage digging and I was curious as to why people do it.  Was it to collect bottles? Was it to find food? I was confused because I know this city provides a lot of food services for the homeless. I also questioned why people are homeless.  I continued walking, and about ½ mile later, I passed another man garbage picking.  I couldn't resist myself to see what he was looking for.  As I had mentioned in my last post, my friend advised me not to ever contact with the homeless. I also had that other experience as mentioned in the last post, But I couldn't resist.  And this time..I feel as though it wasn't them coming to me, it was me going to them.  So I went up to him and asked him.  “Sir, what are you looking for?”  His response was "food."  My heart broke, but I had nothing to offer, I had no food on me.  So I apologized to him for not being able to help him and walked away.  However, something in me just called me to go back and offer to buy him food. I only had $8.00 cash in my pocket, but I couldn't bare knowing this man was hungry. So I walked back to him and asked him if I could buy him food and what was the closest place to eat.  He said Burger King and we walked.  We walked for awhile…Burger king was quite far, but it was a nice walk. So here I was with a man, possibly in his late 40’s/early 50’s, walking beside him and he carried multiple bags and a suitcase with him.  I offered to help him carry some bags, but he refused.   While walking we of course had a conversation.  He asked where I was from and I told him NJ, in which his response was “me too.” During this moment, I was thinking yeah right.  He’s probably just playing along.  However, the more we talked, the more I realized he was really from NJ.  I asked him to tell me his story.  I wanted to know all about his childhood and what brought him here and how he became homeless.  To my surprise, it wasn't drugs or alcohol.  'It was just meant to be.'   (I say to my surprise b/c I’ve become so judgmental of homeless and thought a lot of them were homeless due to drugs and all, which I know is ignorant, but I base things on what I see and hear. I was also surprised at his response.  He wasn't bitter, he wasn't filled with hatred.  He was filled with contentment and accepted the fact..well I'm homeless now )  He moved away from home when he was 16 due to an abusive upbringing.  He had a car and drove cross country to San Francisco.  He adopted 3 children and worked 3 jobs to support them.  Life went downward for him.  He ended losing one job due to downsizing.  He ended up caring for people too much and being screwed over by them.     I asked him if he was receiving government aid and he said no. I was shocked.  “Why don’t you receive aid”  His response was an eye opener and brought truth.  “Because it makes people lazy”.   I do have to agree with that statement.  I asked about his children and if they were aware if he was homeless and if he stays in contact with them.  He said he did and that he didn't want his children worried about him.  He said that he should be taking care of them, not the other way around. I could tell he was a bit prideful.  

 We made our way to Burger King and I ordered what he wanted…a strawberry milkshake and the #5.  I then later got him a large pepsi and used my last change.  I was short, but the cashier said it was alright.  I couldn't believe how hungry he was, he told me he hadn't eaten a real meal in 3 days. I asked him why he doesn't go to the free food banks and he said that he wants to make sure that other people get served food.  

I also asked him why he sleeps on the streets and not in the shelter.  He told me that it was dangerous in the shelter and there were bed bugs.  He said believe it or not, it's safer in the street..much safer.   

It was a beautiful night.  I told him he was carrying too much stuff and he needed to downsize.  So we went to his spot where I found he had even more stuff.  “What do you carry around with you?” I asked.  “Clothes, stuff, it’s complicated.”  I told him he needed to downsize and get rid of things he didn't need.  So for about 3 hours we organized and dumped the items he didn’t need, while cops kept coming by.   I think it was due to the fact that there was some sort of gun shots or something..maybe fireworks that went off a few blocks away.  Don't be scared.  I was safe and it was good.   One cop stopped and told us they got calls that we were being loud.  I think it was because of me and my laughter.  I was just having a great time and enjoying myself and Jimmy was quite the character.  As I'm sure he is thinking the same about me. 

Overall, it was just a beautiful night.  I got to get a glimpse of what it was like to be homeless.  I got a glimpse of people coming up to us asking for crystal, speed, weed, alcohol, heroin.   Luckily Jimmy, was not into drugs and was never a drug addict.  I have to say he inspired me.  He has a heart of gold.  His story is one of many homeless out there.  It's inspired me to want to do more work for the homeless.   He gave me his beautiful Northface jacket to keep me warm.  I used to be so judgmental when I saw homeless people wearing such nice brandnames.  But I learned throughout all my experience here..today and being on medicaid and government help not to judge.   He gave me his phone number to stay in contact.  He received the phone from a kid (21 yr old that he's taken under his wing who was homeless, but now receives SSI benefits that I met tonight as well).  He is so protective of the kid..and I asked him why.  His response was I've seen too many people die and I love him.  Thank you Jimmy for being a beautiful soul! God Bless. May you be happy, be well, be free of suffering and pain; may you be filled with joy.  

I'm grateful.

Thank you for reading! 

The San Francisco Chapter: New beginnings.

I arrived to San Francisco a little over a week ago...Thanksgiving day to be exact.  My friend living here left Wednesday morning and has gone to Thailand for about 11 weeks and needed someone to take care of his cat while he is gone exploring the world.   The  6 days I got to spend with him were amazing.   He showed me all of his favorite spots in the city.
He's taught me a few good lessons since I've been here.

Lesson #1: Get out as much as you can to places you find magical.

I got to experience the beautiful, magical Marine Highlands and a few other parks around here.   Because he rents a studio apartment with no kitchen...just the bed, closet, and bathroom, he decided to make up different names for bars and restaurants he goes near where he lives.  He has a restaurant/bar he calls the living room, one he calls the study, another one he calls the coat closet..etc.

Lesson #2. Don't talk to homeless people here.
 Now despite him teaching me this lesson, I relearned it the other day after he set off to his adventure in Thailand.  While I was waiting at a bus stop, a homeless woman (possibly drugged up on Meth) came up to me.  She apologized for bothering me. I stood there staring down at my phone while she continued stating how her purse got stolen etc. etc., in which case I looked up and noticed she had a beautiful purse hidden behind a black plastic bag she was holding.  When I confronted her and told her that her purse was right there..she started screaming at me telling me it was a different purse etc.  In which case, I removed myself as quickly as I could from that situation.



Lesson #3: Always look at the ground.  There could be poop...animal or human.
Great lesson.  The one time I was walking with him, I wasn't paying attention to what was on the ground in front of me and felt myself step on something. Luckily it was just a rolled up sock, but I quickly remembered to always look down and I'm grateful I do, because there were many close encounters.


Lesson #4: close caps
I never realized that I had a problem closing lids, but I do.  I think there is a lot of symbolism behind this.  It could be the fact that I don't like things to be confined...or it could just be an awful habit that I'm now trying to overcome.

Lesson #5: Keep room neat
Since my friend has been gone, which is only 2.5 days, I've been doing my best to keep the area neat and tidy.  It's amazing what a difference it makes when your area is clean and free of clutter.  Although it's been hard work doing so, I'm hoping in no time it will be second nature and that I can be free from chaos...or at least external chaos.

Lesson #6:  Just be..just live.
In the short few days we hung out, my friend reminded me to appreciate being me and to not feel the need  to be like someone else etc.  I think for the longest time I've just wanted to be someone else and not accept who I am.  For the longest time, I just never saw the true beauty I possessed. I knew there were people smarter, prettier, sexier, etc than me and I wanted to be those people.  I couldn't learn to accept the fact that I couldn't be them...I couldn't just say that you know what..I'm not them and it's okay.   I'm grateful for the friends I have because they all remind me of this.  I'm grateful for the fact that I have true, beautiful people in my life that cherish me, want to help me grow, want to see me happy and want to be around me because I am me.



I think living here in San Francisco is helping me to learn to accept myself a lot.  I notice that people don't judge here.  Everybody just seem to be in their own world and I like that.  I don't feel out of place like I did back home in NJ.   There is a lot of uniqueness here and a lot of beauty as well as a lot of misery.  However, I'm teaching myself and practicing everyday to find the beauty here.  There are the very wealthy and there are the very poor. It's just nice to see a different perspective of life..especially being around the homeless people here.  I have never in my life seen so many homeless.  The sad part about it, is that a majority of them that I see are all doped up on something and some make it known.  I saw a man the other day making some mixture of some sort to inject into him.  All in all, I'm just grateful for this opportunity to be here. I'm grateful to be in a warm climate and away from the miserable winters I've endured for the last 30 years of my life.  So here here to new beginnings..to a new chapter in my life.  And here here to lessons that I continue to learn each and every day.

Thank you for reading! .

The Toys R Us kid

 I think my search for my inner child started over a week ago when I decided to go climbing trees.  I can't tell you the last time I climbed trees.  It's been YEARS.  I would say I stopped climbing trees when I was 11..maybe even younger (I can't really remember).  Okay...maybe there was once when I was 21.  But that was definitely the last time.  And I don't know if I can count that time, because I don't think I was even able to climb it.  So I'm going to stick with 11.  Last week, however, I did some major climbing.  I got like 10 feet off of the ground and it was awesome.  I know that may not seem like much...but it's all about baby steps, right?! After all, I'm attempting to not go into extreme behaviors.  Okay...maybe that's a lie..maybe that's what I consider extreme considering the fact that I'm afraid of heights.  But that's minor details.  In any case, it was great fun climbing and was even more great fun hanging upside down.  I made sure I was hanging to the point where my hands could touch the ground so that I wouldn't fall and break my neck.  Little did I know I almost broke my leg when it got caught in between the large branches.  Although I took numerous photos of the battle scar, I erased them because I thought my calf looked fat...sad I know.  However, I let go of my ego and judgements today and took the following picture of the battle scar- Keep in mind that this is one week post injury.

Yesterday, was another great day for embracing my inner child. I got to hang out with one of my friends whom I haven't seen in many years.  It was kind of a spur of the moment meet up. I ended up having a interview way down in South Jersey in Avalon, (near Cape May) for a live-in weekend position. (The furthest south I've been was Atlantic City; Avalon is about 50 minutes south of AC and 2.5 hrs from my house).  So, I went to the interview for a position of taking care of a disabled man.   (Prayers would be appreciated that this works out).

After the interview, I ended up visiting my friend in Atlantic City and we went to the zoo, which was a total delight and I felt like a kid. I had no idea that a free zoo existed in NJ.  Actually, I didn't think there was much in NJ, but yesterday I was proven wrong.  Maybe this state isn't as bad as I thought it was or how I've made it out to be.  Yesterday, my hatred for this state subsided and I was able to show more compassion to it and appreciate it more.

At the zoo we got to see numerous animals, which is no surprise b/c that's what you get to see in any zoo.  One creature we got to see included cockatiels.  (Jk..my friend was trying to impress me with his knowledge of the animals, and labeled one a cockatiel, which of course wasn't the right name; and right now I can't remember the name, but it was quite hilarious in any case). The zoo was actually really beautiful and clean.  So if you are ever in South Jersey, visit the Cape May zoo!


When we were kicked out of the zoo..due to closing time.. we approached the playground area and my eyes lit up.  I had to go on the swing.  Whenever I pass playgrounds, it is a must I go on the swing.  I'll push kids out of the way just to get my chance to go on one.  Okay..maybe I wouldn't push them out of the way, but I'd totally do a stare down!  Okay..maybe I wouldn't do that either.

I went on the swing and then my friend started pushing me on it.  It was hilarious. A lady even came up to us and asked us if we wanted out picture taken..we were that cool! After I had my fun on the swing, my friend went on the swing and I pushed him.  And then it happened...two swings on the opposite side opened up...so we raced over and had a race against who could swing the highest.  I obviously won both challenges!

After the zoo, we decided to go to Wildwood, as I never been and we weren't that far away from it.  While at Wildwood, my friend took out 20 dollars worth of quarters and we went... to the arcade! Oh yeah!! There was a Deal/No deal game, which I had no idea what it was about because I never watched the show.  (Turns out after I was done playing, I only got 1 ticket...I think my friend was to blame as he was the one telling me to press the deal or no deal button.  It wasn't until after playing that I got what it was all about).  My friend played after and he got 250 TICKETS! Cheater!  So after he won, he decided to give the tickets to a kid. I suggested we give it to the saddest kid there, and right after saying so, a kid crying was just about to pass us. I stopped the mother and we gave her the tickets.  It didn't seem to phase the kid at all.  So I told my friend..next time lets give it to the happiest kid who will be more appreciative.

One of the next games we played was air hockey! I set my blanket and sweater (as it was so cold outside) on the side of the table.  As we were nearing towards the end...my friend noticed that my blanket and sweater got sucked in the goal area.  I have no idea how long it was blocking 1/2 of the goal. I think it just happened....but in any case I won!!

Overall, it was just an awesome day! It has been a long time since I laughed, felt happiness, peace and was able to stay in the moment.  I wasn't lost in my world.  If anything I was found, especially when hugs were involved.  It's funny to me how often I'm told by people that they easily get lost in my hugs.  The most ironic thing about all of this is while others are getting lost, I am being found.

So overall, it's been a great week of finding my inner child and allowing her to come out and play.  I realized through all of this, I never want to grow up.  I never did.  I remember seeing commercials for "Toys R Us" when I was younger and singing the song: "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.  There's a million toys at Toys 'R Us that I can play with.  From bikes to trains to video games at the biggest toy store there is.  I don't wanna grow up cause if I did, I couldn't be a Toys 'R Us kid." Although I was never really a "Toys 'R Us" kid since most of our toys were hand me downs from family friends, I recall singing this over and over and telling myself at five years of age that I'm never going to grow up.  So even though I'm growing older physically/on the outside, I made another promise to myself last night that I will never grow older on the inside. Been there, done that. It is much more fun being a kid!


Thank you for reading. 

 

The Cougar House

I've worked many jobs in my life and I have to say my favorite jobs were working with my disabled women,  my senior ladies, with cancer patients, and teaching Irish dancing. I couldn't even call them jobs because they really weren't if you know what I mean. They were really, my life.   These jobs provided me with such great meaning, purpose and brought so much joy into my life.  Sure there were bad days, but I recall there being so many more good days than bad.  That's more than I can say now.  You would think if I had jobs such as this, that I would have stayed with them.  I guess you can say, I got burnt out.  But going deeper, I realized it was because I never thought I was doing all I could do while also thinking that I wasn't good enough doing what I did do,which expedited the burn out.  (I know that probably made no sense whatsoever).  I thought I could be better, help more people, do more, be more.  I thought I wasn't doing enough and really, I wasn't enough.   I thought that there was more I could do with the people I was working with, while at the same time thinking there were more people that needed my saving..or so I thought.  So, in reality it wasn't really the jobs that burnt me out...it was me and my delusional/distorted thinking of saving the world and all of the people in it.  But really, it wasn't others that needed saving...it was me.  It was my inability to appreciate those I was already helping who in return were helping me.  I wasn't appreciative of what I had..I rarely am.  I'm not appreciative of me. :( 

I remember the job I had working and living with my disabled women.  I was already doing a side job working with my senior ladies, but I needed a more full time steady job on top of that.   I was going through my divorce and my ex husband wanted me out by February.  We started filing in December. It was tough staying the last two months there, but I really had no other choice. Well okay..maybe that's not true..because we always have a choice.  I feel as though my options were either that or be homeless.   I was lucky enough for him to allow me to stay, even though it felt like torture. I felt as though I had nothing. Although I would have had some family support, I know I was a disappointment and I just couldn't move back to NJ.  I would rather have been homeless than move back to NJ.  I thought that I would then be a total failure...I just couldn't do it. I knew what I experienced early this year would have been far worse had I moved back...I think, honestly, I would be dead... no question about it.

At that point in my life, I didn't want to break...I wasn't ready to.  I had determination and hope that things would work out. I had faith.  I remember desperately looking for a job and praying that something would come along. I swallowed my pride, I even applied for McDonald's to flip burgers (as well as at least 75 other jobs).  McDonald's never called. Actually, none of the 75 jobs called, except for one. And this job that called was working with my disabled ladies..working at what was called the Cougar House.

I remember writing in my journal, the ideal job I would like.  Basically what I wrote was: something with meaning.  Someplace where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Someplace that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom. And this job was it...the job of taking care of Linda and Marianne. 

My greatest memory of working with them is when I would curl Linda's and Marianne's hair and apply makeup to Linda.  Marianne did her own and was a naturally talented makeup artist.

   Linda was the Cougar leader and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, epilepsy, and was moderately intellectually disabled.  She was an orphan at 12 years old and placed into institutions.  She suffered an accident over 30 years ago in one of the institutions she was placed in. She was left unattended while taking a shower, had a seizure and injured her spine.  Since then she has been confined to a wheelchair.  Despite her difficulties, she owns a house.  The executive director worked and fought for Linda for over the 20 years she worked there; she fought hard so that Linda would be able to use the money she won from her incident. (The worse part about this was that the executive director was let go when she wanted to step down and work part time...but that's a whole different story..too long for this blog.  The company went from heaven when I first started and then turned to hell).

 In the beginning  Linda was a tough case to work with.  She was feisty and rightfully so.  With all the abuse she was put through, especially in the institutions, she had a guard made of steel.  It took quite some time for Linda to feel safe and comfortable enough to let me in.  It took a few months of being patient with her and tolerating her saying to me "Fuck you," "Leave me alone," and flailing around as I tried to help her.  However, once that trust was earned, it was a beautiful relationship.  Of course there were plenty of moments I was told to fuck off and leave her alone, but it was a great improvement from when I first started with...she definitely put me through the ringer, but I appreciated her for that.  She made me work and she made me work hard.   

 Overall, it was a beautiful thing to experience when someone so timid opens up.  It gave me such great pleasure to help her out of her darkness and see light.  I use to always tell her "Get the devil out of you and get the angels in you." Something in which of course I need to tell myself.   One thing I really miss about Linda is doing her hair and makeup and seeing her face light up.   She would spend countless time observing and smiling and laughing at herself in the mirror.  Being able to bring such joy like that to someone made life to me, worth living.

Marianne was the other disabled woman I worked with who was more mobile and more independent.  She was diagnosed with so called "moderate intellectual abilities, schizophrenia", and a few other diagnosis.  It surprised me that Autism was not one of her diagnosis. I have read, however, that autism is usually misdiagnosed as schizophrenia and bipolar. But besides the point...diagnosis are really just bullshit so it doesn't really matter.

 Marianne is one of the most intelligent people I know. She remembers dates and days like no other. She was a great personal calendar to have. When I'd ask her what day Jan 1 1957 landed on..within seconds, she'd say "let's see..um, um, Jan 1 1957..um, um. Tuesday."    I'd tell her to remember my mom's and friend's birthdays and sure enough when the birthdays were coming up, she'd count down the days til it. It was hard for me to forget anybody's birthday.  Birthdays were her favorite things to ask new people she met.. and the most amazing thing about it all, is that she would remember them for life. 

 In my eyes, these women were not "disabled."  If anything I was the 'disabled' one.  Although I worked to take care of them, they were really the ones taking care of me.  They gave me life, they gave me joy.  They were the greatest teachers and life coaches of all time.  I truly and sincerely miss this job the most.  I hope another opportunity like this will present itself.  One thing I would change about his job is the live in part.  There were plenty of sleepless nights I had comforting Linda as she cried.  It was difficult to experience seeing her in such pain, emotional pain.  I feel as though she cried for me too at times.

So, when it comes to the job I want now. I'd say I want something like what I had with Linda and Marianne.   I'd say that I want something with meaning.  Someplace warm, with no winters. Something where I am respected and where I am appreciated for being me.  Something that will help me find myself, would challenge me and help me blossom, as well as help others blossom and grow.   Something where I can make a difference and make a mark on people's hearts.

Thank you for reading!


P.S. Linda and Marianne..if you read this know that I love you and miss you.